I never understood how she became so popular with unbendable knees and no genitalia.
What can be said about Melissa that hasn’t already been written up in so many police reports? Born in Puerto Rico, she washed ashore and was living in Las Vegas when I stumbled upon her profile on Twitter. Ever the subtle one, it consisted of an image of Groucho glasses and breasts, and as an aficionado of both, I was entranced.
Given that at the time I had a Twitter following of several thousand people, I found a tweet of hers that screamed innocence, in which she so daintily stated “I’m looking for the kind of man who makes me wish I had a bigger mouth.” I immediately retweeted it so that she could be properly hounded by the horny unrequited masses. Naturally this of course led her to fall madly in love with me (Mel’s Note: In your fucking dreams), and I learned a few things about her. Here is a cheat sheet:
- She was born on some island that may or may not worship a volcano.
- Her favorite drink is a double whiskey. Her second favorite drink is a whiskey.
- She has an extremely odd-shaped vibrator in which she sometimes uses as a microphone.
- She drives like an asshole cab driver, but luckily for us, she crashed her car a while back and has been taking asshole cab rides ever since.
- I’ve never asked her, but I am 100% certain that at some point she’s dropped her current iPhone in the toilet. (Mel’s Note: Twice!)
- When not busy drinking whiskey, spends her mornings (and evenings) hungover.
-Max
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